Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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