I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
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It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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