apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Randomize
