So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
