i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Pants are for mortals
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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