My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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