I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
