i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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