I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
