So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
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I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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