I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
