I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
