Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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