It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
