Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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