I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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