I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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