stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
