1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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