I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is Oprah even human
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
