Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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