it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
