she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
