If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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