If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
