Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
