Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
