sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
