Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
