he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Still dying that you shit outside
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
