I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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