I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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