Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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