just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
