I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
