he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
