cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Randomize
