go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
