did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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