We won't sleep together?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
