I feel great
I just peed on a car
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
