I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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