Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
