somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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