You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
