Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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