I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
