I got chris browned last night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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