Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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