is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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