I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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