i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
