Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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