just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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