I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
