Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
