Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
