Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
