This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
