we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
